Dear Mysterious Japanese Bond Smugglers

I appreciate your valiant efforts to secure a sizeable portion of Japan's US treasury holdings and am encouraged by the inventiveness utilized in the attempt to get these instruments into Switzerland. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles at the Italian border and the possibility of losing 40% of the entire stake. In hindsight, this may prove to be a beneficial side effect for your cause (as I will outline below) which brings me to the point of my letter.

I would like to help you in any way I can with your concerns over the continued sustainability of the US dollar and I have the perfect plan to do so. The best part is, this solution will be quick, easy and above all, much cleaner than the recently foiled operation. Once the dust settles in Italy, here's what we'll do:

First, give the Italians their 40% cut and grab up the remaining bonds. Rules are rules and it's only fair. Next, please set aside one (1) of the Kennedy Bonds and promptly put my name on it. We'll set aside a time where I can acquire this single page instrument from you or you can simply drop it in the mail to my attention - whichever option is most convenient and easy for you works for me. Now, you're probably wondering where and how you'll experience the vast benefits of this plan so I'll outline all the important details. Here's my promise to you:

I will promptly cash in the bond for it's face value of $1 billion devalued US dollars.

I will then forfeit ~50% right back over to the US government and call it a windfall tax. The benefits are here two-fold. We'll get a pesky $500 million US dollars out of circulation while at the same time relieving the US government of this debt to you.

Once I get the governments share straightened away, I'll then go ahead and immediately pay my mortgage in full. Believe me, you'll definitely want this to happen. I'll be helping to shore up the books of America's largest home loan holder bringing them another baby step closer to solvency. Investors across the globe will begin to feel confident in their operations again!

Next, I will take $200 million and invest it across a diverse portfolio of commodities, hard assets, government debt (think of the benefits!) and equities. I will single handedly begin propping up the US markets and instill more and more confidence in the US dollar.

Lastly, and I promise you this, I will completely piss away the remaining ~$300 million. All of it. Every last cent. I will start in America and then go on a Michael Jackson style international spending spree leaving a trail of global economy lifting US dollars along the way. I will work on propping up the automotive industry, retail chain stores and residential & commercial real estate. This will take a little bit of time and the effects may not be seen immediately, but I will do my best.

As you can clearly see, this is a win-win situation for all involved.
- Italy gets an infusion of much needed cash to right prop up their economy
- Some US dollars get mopped up out of circulation
- Confidence will begin to return to the major US banks
- The US markets will get a solid chunk of long term investment money
- The automotive industry will get a much needed boost
- Commercial real estate will see a brief positive blip before it utterly collapses
- Residential real estate will begin to stabilize as I buy up foreclosed properties everywhere
- The US dollar will begin to improve in value thereby lessening the impact of your 40% loss to the Italians

Please leave a comment below with your contact information and we'll get started on this most important process right away. It will absolutely be my pleasure to be of assistance.

All the best,

The Fiscal Corruptocrat